In response to my previous post titled, Poly to Us, our friend Shirley made this comment, and it covers an aspect that I did not write about in that post, but it is a valid point and concern when deciding to explore a life with one (or more).
“There all kinds of people in this world and so many different types of relationships. I have often envisioned being in a poly relationship…sometimes one man….sometimes one Woman….and I can imagine when it works right it must be such an amazing and beautiful feeling. To enjoy love, attention, and a variety of interests and life experiences with the hearts and souls and perspectives of three people must offer such a rich and fulfilling life. I can imagine that so many more things can be learned and horizons explored and experiences broadened. Yet, the chance for the relationship to work and be good has got to be less possible, just because of the complexity of 3 people…yet with the right effort and attitude and people…it can be glorious. You have done well my friends.”
I wanted to address the portion that says “the chance for the relationship to work and be good has got to be less possible”. When we watched that documentary called Polyamory, about the pod and the two threesomes that I discussed in my post there were serious issues / red flags where the two threesomes appeared less solid. The one woman in the threesome with the man and two women had cheated on them with another man, behind their back. In the other threesome the one girl had a partner outside the three and she was developing feelings for him and then started to hurt the husband and other woman’s feelings by wanting to be with the new person a little more than them. In the pod there were so many side relationships it hard to keep track of it or even understand it, and there were boundaries crossed. Since the show was only on two seasons and it has been off the air a few years I looked them all up online to find out the current news. The pod was no more, because the one married couple divorced and she married the boyfriend she had on the side. That resulted in the woman from the other half of the pod going into a depression that caused her to take two years off work to focus on her mental health. And from what I could tell the other two threesomes as well as the actual marriages in them, had all ended.
So here were are in a poly life with three, watching these people and seeing that it all blew up! Yet we feel that will not be us, and for us we are going to be able to make this life work long term. The reason I think we will be successful even though the odds would appear to be stacked against us, is that we don’t really have to “work” at it. I mean all relationships take work and effort, but we all just clicked so well that everything fell into place naturally, even though all of us never expected this lifestyle to end up in our laps like it did. We all communicate well, we have great respect for each other, we love and care about each other, and we are not into having the large number of sex partners that seems to be more the norm in the poly world. We are all committed to each other, and we don’t need a bunch of boundaries because of how it all just fell into place.
We are human so of course we get cranky with each other sometimes, but that is normal. I can kiss K in front of Wifey as much as I want. I can kiss Wifey in front of K as much as I want. Those things don’t bother any of us. We all sleep lined up together in a king size bed every night with me in the middle. It just works. Fundamentally we have done so much right from the very beginning that the only way I could picture this going south is if one or more than one of us decided to just be a complete asshole, or start lying or cheating on each other, and those things go so far against the moral beliefs of us all that I just do not see that happening.
There are a lot of pros to living like we do that make life less stressful overall. We have three sets of hands on deck to handle household chores, shopping, projects etc. We have three healthy incomes to live with which allows us to eat well, have nice things and be able to travel more than perhaps some regular couples can. The main stress parts is just living in a way that you cannot be totally open with everyone about your life, but we don’t let that bother us too much. We have worked around it, without too much trouble, and as more time passes and this world becomes more accepting of alternative lifestyles, we may not need to hide it.
Thank you for such a great comment Shirley!